


The Only Light I See

by Psuedo_sweetheart



Series: Hearts of Gold [3]
Category: Andromeda Six (Visual Novel)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psuedo_sweetheart/pseuds/Psuedo_sweetheart
Summary: *EDITED TO ADD A SECOND CHAPTER* 12/22/2020"Boba steps toward him and he tenses, leaning away from her, but doesn’t step back.  Not even when they’re toe to toe, not even as she wraps her arms around his waist, sealing their bodies together.She has no weapon, and couldn’t even think to use one on this frightful ghost of the boy she’d loved anyway, so Boba does the only thing she can think to do.  She pulls Vexx back into her foolish, foolish heart, ignoring the screams of the dead, and the weapons of the living- and she loves him."
Relationships: Damon Reznor/Original Female Character(s), Damon Reznor/Traveler
Series: Hearts of Gold [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026270
Comments: 9
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Boba doesn’t dare to look Damon in the eye, as she once again offers up her music box. Her heart feels too close to the surface of her skin as she stands there next to him. 

Damon advertises his viciousness, with his clothes, his words, even the way he moves and speaks. It made her want to see what he’s hiding under all those warning signs, and now she’s having to face the fact that there may be nothing there but more teeth. 

She’s only seen him once since he offered up her life like it was disposable as candy, a sob catching in her throat the second she caught sight of his long, dark, jacket, down the hall. Clapping her hand over her mouth to try and muffle it, she’d turned on her heel, rushing away as fast as she could without flat out running.

But she can’t keep running from him forever- there’s too much at stake for her to remain weak and helpless.

“You sure?” he asks her, not a smirk or sneer in sight.

Boba answers by closing his fingers over top of the glimmering Kitalphanite, seeing in her minds eye, Nerissa’s hands cupping hers. 

‘A star for my star’ she’d said. ‘To always lead you back home.’

Home had never been found in a building for the two of them. Home was in gentle hands and familiar smiles. Home was in warm arms and jokes that never got old. 

Home is gone. 

Nerissa is gone, Vexx had been a lie, and her place on this ship feels as precarious as walking on a pane of glass, despite Calderon’s reassurance. Still, what other choice does she have but to stay? She can’t make it in the galaxy alone.

Boba blinks her way out of her thoughts, tightening her hands around Damon’s closed fist as she works up the nerve to look him in the eye, trying to shore up defenses around her heart in case he decides to take another bite out of it.

Her eyes meet his and her heart lurches at the sight of those vivid blue eyes looking at her again. Boba can’t read a single thing in them and her heart settles down to aching like a bruise in her chest. 

“I meant what I said. There’s no point in keeping a trinket when we need to survive. I can’t fight like the rest of you can, but I want to help. This is my way of helping.”

She gives his hand one last squeeze and then makes herself let go, taking a step back to distance herself from the urge to snatch back her link to the only person who had ever loved her. 

“I never believed I could help myself, much less anyone else…” she murmurs, unable to tear her gaze away from where the remains of her past rests, buried underneath Damon’s fingers. “I’m glad you’ll do anything to keep your friends safe, it makes me believe there’s a chance I won’t get them all killed because I’m too afraid to leave.”

Boba has already destroyed one home, she can’t handle even the thought of doing the same to the Andromeda crew. But she also can’t bring herself to give them up.

“This isn’t all about you,” Damon snaps.

Boba’s gaze flies back to his, but he goes on before she can respond.

“Cal is gonna go after Zovack, whether you stick around or not. That’s always been the plan, you’re just an addition to it, not the reason for it. If you make the plan better or worse is all that’s up to you.”

In her head, Boba knows this. She even knows there’s potential for Princess Peg’asi to be a huge benefit to the rebellion against Zovack, but her heart still considers herself a terrible liability more than anything else, and what if…

She makes herself face the thought, because it keeps running through her head over and over, like an unchanging marquee.

“What if they die?” she whispers, blinking back yet another round of tears.

Damon’s brow furrows, and he stares at her like she asked a stupid question.

“They are gonna die,” he finally says shrugging, “We’re all gonna die, nobody escapes death.” 

Boba almost sputters at how casually he can say such a thing, and Damon sighs, shaking his head.

“Look, for most of the damn galaxy, dealing with death doesn’t make you special, it’s part of life from the beginning. You either learn to deal with it, or you lay down and die.”

Boba doesn’t know what to say. She can barely comprehend an existence where hands are meant for survival, can barely picture a world where death is expected around every corner. Perhaps the only reason she can at all, is because it showed up at her own door, leaving blood and bodies where there had once been a family, flawed and unhappy as it was. 

“Death isn’t something alien that comes and snatches you away, it’s there at your back like a shadow. We’ve already accepted that we’re gonna die, what we want, is to _choose_ how we’re gonna die. This crew is fucking lucky no matter what happens, because it’s our choice to be here, doing what we do.” 

They’re staring each other in the eyes now, and Boba’s never seen Damon like this before. 

He’s aiming his words at her heart like he always does, but he isn’t wielding them like a weapon this time. Instead, it feels more like an offering, like maybe her willingness to forfeit a piece of herself made him willing to reciprocate, and he’s asking for her understanding, rather than fighting and conquering her into submission.

“I… can see the appeal of choosing your death,” she finally manages to say. “I’m just not sure that knowing it’s chosen will help me deal with the guilt, if anyone dies because of me.” 

“It won’t,” he states bluntly. “The only thing that helps is doing whatever it takes to move on.” 

Boba nods slowly, surprised by how comforting she finds his words. Despite their harshness, they’re still words of hope, still telling her moving on is possible, finding happiness again is possible. 

Her gaze drops to where her music box still rests in the curl of his fingers, and she expects to feel a wrenching sadness. But all she feels is… gratitude.

She’s grateful for her sister’s love. Grateful for all the times she held a lucky star in her hand and remembered she was loved. She’s grateful for the people who took her in when she was no one, but most of all, Boba is grateful for the chance to save this new home she’s found.

She smiles up at Damon, almost breaking into a grin when his eyebrow arches in response.

“Thank you.”

Briefly, his eyes narrow, his guard going up as he tries to figure out what her angle is, and Boba feels the urge to laugh, strangely comforted by his familiar suspicion. 

His surprise doesn’t last long though, and he slips the music box into his pocket with a casual shrug.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Damon ushers her out of the cargo bay and locks the door behind them, nodding in the direction the others went.

“Let’s go. We spent enough time gabbing, I’m surprised we can’t hear Cal yelling at us from here.”

***

Before he knows it, Damon is back on the streets of his home, and it’s as miserable as he remembers. Everything is the same except him, and he’d be furious about it except he’s just too damn tired. 

Boba steps close enough that her sleeve brushes against his, and Damon frowns down at her before glancing around for anything that might have disturbed her.

“What’s wrong?” 

He doesn’t notice anything amiss, although what he considers disturbing, and what Boba considers disturbing, are probably on different planes of existence.

She just shakes her head, her hair already plastered to her skin from the rain.

“Nothing. I’m just nervous.”

“And you thought I’d be a comfort?” Damon snorts.

He’s beyond surprised when she flushes, just slightly, although he carefully keeps his expression unchanged. 

“Your confidence is comforting.”

Damon sighs. He’s never gonna get used to the bluntly honest and yet sappy as hell things that come out of her mouth. He doesn’t remotely understand how she can trust him with her emotions so easily. 

It isn’t raw physical attraction, at least, not just that. Maybe she just decided since he can read her anyway, she might as well be honest, but then again, she made it clear from the beginning that she thought there was more to him. Why she still thinks that is even more of a mystery to him now. 

“You are too damn much, Bambi,” he mutters. 

“Sorry…”

Boba starts to pull away, head hanging low, but Damon grabs her hand and pulls her back. 

He’s not about to let her go thinkin’ he’s not interested, because if he’s supposed to stay away just because he thinks she should stay away, well, he isn’t that good of a guy, and he's not planning on _being_ that good of a guy.

A small gasp escapes Boba’s lips as Damon twines their fingers together, her head snapping up as she stares at him, wide eyed and pink cheeked. Her hand is cold from the rain and Damon squeezes gently, running his thumb over the back. 

“Didn’t say I didn’t like it, sweetheart.” 

Her blush flares again and he grins. Damon can feel the sharpness bleeding out of it as he stares at her, still feeling like she has to be too good to be true.

“You really are full of surprises.”

Boba’s smile grows into something wide and true, luminescence flickering to life under her skin for the first time since her memories came back, and Damon pauses mid-stride.

He’s caught off guard not only by the way it makes her look like a fucking sunrise, but because after all she’s been through, and all he’s done- he’s the one who sparked that light in her. 

Damon manages to catch himself before he stumbles, although it’s a close call, and he’s glad no one noticed but him.

***

Lightning cracks the sky overhead, and Boba runs. 

Things had been going so well, she’d even managed to do something right for once. She’d helped forge peace on a hostile planet, but just as she’d started to trust her joy, the K’Merii showed up.

And now she’s running, caught up in memories of the last time she’d run from their violence. 

Boba didn’t see her family slaughtered, but she heard the gunfire and screaming coming from the ballroom. She’d heard the screams long after the gunfire ended, growing in volume until they were a roar and she found herself facing a wall of noise and rubble, the explosion from the bomb stopping her mindless attempt to flee, and almost her life.

This time, Boba keeps running until her lungs clench painfully around emptiness and she’s forced to stop, leaning against a wall in a dark alley, dragging in painful gulps of air. 

Is this her life now? Running and crying in alleys? She’d always thought leaving the palace would grant her freedom from her cowardice, but so far it hasn’t. She’s still being protected with other peoples lives, still cowering and hiding. 

A wave of self-loathing crashes over her and Boba sobs, crouching down with her head in her arms. It would be better for everyone if she just left. She could stowaway for real, disappear to some remote planet where no one would ever find her. Surely, it wouldn’t be as terrifying as all of this. 

Her churning stomach calms as she thinks of escaping, of leaving all this fear and heartache behind and never looking back. 

But she can’t. 

She told Calderon she would join the fight, and he hadn’t laughed. He’d even seemed pleased, like he _wanted_ her to be there. 

No one has ever wanted her to be part of something important before, and Boba can’t give that up, not even if it would be better for everyone if she did. Because she’s selfish. She’s selfish, and weak, and afraid, but if they want her, she’ll stay and take whatever they offer, give them everything she has, and never, ever, let go. 

Boba raises her head, and looks around, her heart clenching in her chest as she realizes she’s completely and utterly lost. She starts to panic all over again, breath staggering as it catches in her throat, tears springing to her eyes and dripping down her cheeks along with the rain. 

She hangs her head between her knees to try and force herself into calm, but before she can do so much as drag in a breath, a pair of boots steps into her field of vision. 

Boba stares at the scuff on the left boot that looks like a bunny, right over where the wearer’s big toe rests. 

She stops breathing as she wonders if she’s going to die while looking at a pair of boots she’d recognize anywhere. She wonders if Vexx thinks she deserves that. 

“Boba…”

Instead of a knife to the neck or a bullet to the head, an empty hand reaches down and stops, outstretched and waiting. 

“Boba, get up.”

Boba cries harder. But she also takes his hand. 

She’ll take any kindness offered on these streets, even from her betrayer. As long as she isn’t alone, it doesn’t matter. 

Vexx pulls her up and Boba stumbles into his chest, then can’t seem to find the strength to pull away, even with everything inside her screeching out warning sirens. 

She’s so tired. She’s exhausted by grief and guilt and terror. So, she leans her forehead against the cool, dampness of his rain soaked jacket, her body remembering the peace she found in his arms, while her mind cries out all the names of his violations against her. All fifteen of them. 

Still. Still… the only thing in the universe she wants, is for him to put his arms around her and tell her this is all just a bad dream. 

They stand in silence, like the paradox of touching each other so gently in the wake of the devastation between them has disabled all their defenses and there’s no hope for either of them to get away now.

“Are you going to kill me?” she asks quietly.

Surprisingly, the idea doesn’t scare her that much. It just hurts. Like everything else. 

Vexx had gone tense at her touch, so tense, it seems to her it must be painful, and Boba can’t imagine why he isn’t shoving her away. Why he isn’t spitting venom at her like he did the last time they met. 

“Those aren’t my orders.”

Neither of them move. 

A tremor goes through Vexx’s chest, right where her head is resting. 

Boba steps back and looks at him. 

She sees a stranger staring back at her and takes another step back, rubbing her forehead with her sleeve as if that would wash away the sin of touching him. 

“What are you doing here?”

The words tremble along with the rest of her and she can’t bring herself to look at him again, fixing her gaze on the wall behind him. 

She doesn’t expect him to answer, nearly jumping out of her skin when his voice breaks the silence.

“I have a job to do. I thought I told you to ditch the crew,” he goes on.

It almost sounds like he cares, and an influx of hope, laced with breathtaking bitterness rushes through Boba.

“And go where?” she cries, arms swinging wide, as if to illustrate the vast emptiness of the world he made for her. “You left me homeless and alone. There’s nowhere left, I’ll be safe. Because of you!”

Her gaze flickers across his face, desperately searching for a glimpse of the man she thought she knew, but Vexx might as well be carved out of marble. 

Boba covers her eyes with her arm, turning away, unable to bear seeing emptiness where there had once been everything. 

“Fenris is the one who destroyed all the safe places in the galaxy. You just didn’t know because _you_ were safe and sound in your golden castle.”

She drops her arm, staring at the fury twisting Vexx’s features. It’s sharper than she remembers, everything about him razor-edged in a way that makes him look vicious and a breath away from snapping. 

It breaks her heart all over again. Had he always felt this way? Was he always half a stranger to her? Half hidden in shadows and dripping with venom? 

Still, he’s not wrong.

Boba makes herself face him and look him in the eye, despite the fresh tears slipping down her cheeks. 

“I know,” she says, feeling the moisture seep past her lips and tasting the salt on the tip of her tongue. “I was a coward, but I…” 

She thinks of the Andromeda Six crew. Damon’s smirk, Ryona’s adept hands, June’s kindness, Bash’s laughter, Aya’s teasing, Calderon’s determination. 

Picturing them stokes the flames of her own determination, and she stays standing despite the urge to run from this new source of strength, intertwined so deeply with the fear of more loss. 

“I’m done standing aside, I’m going to help bring Zovack down. I’m going to help make the galaxy a better place.”

“You’re as idiotic as ever,” Vexx sneers at her. “Do you want to die with them?” 

“Die with-”

Her gaze flies to the sniper rifle on his back and she finally understands.

“No.”

Boba’s spine straightens, arms at her sides as her hands clench into fists, the trembles wracking her frame gone as if they’d never been. 

Vexx opens his mouth, but she doesn’t let him speak.

“Take me instead. Leave them and take me to Zovack. He won’t need them if he has me.”

She doesn’t know if that’s true or not, but she knows her life is valuable to Zovack, and if it pays for the lives of her friends, then it’s a life well spent; a death well earned. 

Damon, had been right. Choosing your death makes all the difference. 

She’s still scared, but the offer came to her lips without a first thought about it, much less a second, and she’s still standing on her own two feet as she waits to see if her deal with death will be bought. What more could a useless princess hope for? 

Vexx still has his mouth open as he stares at her, eyes flared wide and unblinking. 

Boba holds her breath, wondering if her heart will simply give out if he says yes. 

“You would sacrifice yourself for them?” Vexx finally snarls, eyes bright with a fury she doesn’t understand. 

“They chose me. They could have tossed me aside like everyone else, but they didn’t. So I’m choosing them too.”

Something strange passes over Vexx’s face, something she doesn’t recognize, and Boba has to swallow down yet another sob, because how did this happen? She’d seen this face every day for over a year, and loved it so dearly she wanted to see it every day, forever. She thought she knew every expression that could flicker across it, every dip and incline, every furrow and scar. 

“So that’s how it’s going to be? This is what it takes to get you to fight back?”

“I guess so,” she replies softly. 

Boba steps toward him and he tenses, leaning away from her, but doesn’t step back. Not even when they’re toe to toe, not even as she wraps her arms around his waist, sealing their bodies together. 

She has no weapon, and couldn’t even think to use one on this frightful ghost of the boy she’d loved anyway, so Boba does the only thing she can think to do. She pulls Vexx back into her foolish, foolish heart, ignoring the screams of the dead, and the weapons of the living- and she loves him.

“Whatever it is that drove you to Zovack, I’m sorry for it. I wish the world had been kinder to you, Vexx Serif.”

“What are you doing?” Vexx chokes out the words, and he’s so rigid, she doesn’t know how he isn’t falling over like a rootless tree.

“Being an idiot to the bitter end, just like a boy I once knew told me I would.”

Vexx makes noise like she wounded him, and Boba tightens her grip around him, wishing she still had the option to be kind- to let him go. But she can’t, because there are others out there in the world that she loves as well, and they are still living, while the man she holds is just a vengeful shadow. 

But Boba can shine a light on him, because in every darkness there is an element of light, it just needs energy. A spark. That’s how the cosmos came into being, and if mindless chaos can create something as magnificent as the universe they live in, then Boba can create love from hate, and hope from fear. 

Boba cannot stop Vexx with violence. Even if her body knew how, she couldn’t. So she must do it with love. Radical love, boundless love, transcendent love. 

The lives of her friends depend on it.

“Let go, Boba.”

“I won’t.”

Something shifts in him, and Boba can feel it underneath her cheek where it’s pressed up against his chest. His heart beat slows down, his muscles relax then snap back into tension like rubber bands, and he grabs her arm in a punishing grip.

If she had room for something as mundane as embarrassment, Boba would be embarrassed by how easily he wrenches her off of him.

Vexx lifts her by the arm so that she’s nearly hanging from his grip, his eyes lifeless as marbles, grin so wide and tight his lips look tacked into place with pins.

“Long live the king!” he snarls.

***

“Let her go!” Ryona demands, training her gun on the man dangling Boba from his grip.

Damon seconds her demand, with one of his own, rushing forward, and kicking the man’s legs out from under him, at the same time he strikes at the elbow of the arm holding Boba. 

The second Boba is released from his grip, Damon steps between her and the threat, an intimidating snarl ready on his lips.

Except, he recognizes the person snarling right back at him. Or… recognizes parts of him. Something’s wrong with Vexx’s eyes, something off in the way his muscles move, as he tries to get back on his feet. 

Ryona steps into his line of vision, gun still trained on him, and Vexx sighs, staying on his knees and raising his hands in surrender.

“Well, well, if it isn’t carrot head. I’d hoped you’d be smarter than this,” Damon smirks, as he grabs Vexx’s wrists and ties them behind his back.

“I can say the same to you, stab-happy,” Vexx replies drolly.

When Damon steps back, he checks Boba for injuries, but other than the bruises starting to darken on her arm, she appears unharmed. 

Meanwhile, Ryona scoffs, throwing a quick glare at him, “Figures you’d be friends with a K’Merii scumbag.”

“This is Vexx,” Damon shrugs, casually. “I worked a few jobs with him, but I don’t know how these two know each other though…”

He glances Boba, who can’t seem to tear her gaze from Vexx, flicking back to Serif as he laughs.

“K’Merii scumbag, huh?” Vexx’s grin is sharp and cocky. “You haven’t told them about me, have you, Princess?”

Boba is still staring, and Vexx can’t seem to hold her gaze, despite how quick he is to mock her. Damon flicks his gaze between them, his curiosity growing.

When Boba doesn’t respond, Vexx chuckles, “You made it all too easy, Princess.”

Boba flinches like he slapped her, a pained noise escaping her lips, but when she opens her eyes again, they focus right back on Vexx. 

Ryona reacts far more strongly. Vexx has barely finished speaking when she shoves her gun in his face.

“I suggest you shut your mouth,” she hisses, eyes flashing.

“Easy, Ry,” Damon cautions, stepping forward and raising his hands to try and calm her down.

He understands Ryona’s protective instincts, particularly with Boba being Tilaarin. It’s not like Damon has missed the times the medic saw a glimpse of Boba from the corner of her eye and startled, looking like she’d seen a ghost. It’s a subtle thing, Ry’s a professional, but so is Damon, and he fucking gets it.

But he still needs to know she isn’t gonna blow Vexx’s face off before they know what’s going on. He waits till her shoulders relax and she takes a step back, lowering her gun. 

When Ryona takes a deep breath and nods at him, Damon turns back to Boba.

As far as he can tell, she still hasn’t looked away from Vexx, and Damon is starting to worry. Usually, he can read Boba like an open book written for children, but now… her face isn’t blank, but her focus seems almost mindless in it’s intensity, and he sure as hell can’t think of anything _good_ that could have happened, for her to react like this. 

He gently nudges her boot with his, trying to get her attention. 

“Talk to me, Bambi. I need to know what we’re getting into here.” 

“Vexx was my guard at the palace,” Boba finally murmurs, but she still doesn’t look away. “I thought he was my friend, but he was working for Zovack the whole time. My family is dead because I trusted him.”

Vexx laughs, although he stops abruptly when Ryona loads her rifle and aims it at his face, finger on the trigger.

“We should end him before he gets anyone else killed.”

Before Damon can defuse the situation, Boba flings herself between Vexx and the barrel of the gun, screaming as she shoves it away from him.

“NO!”

She’s shaking so hard, Damon doesn’t know how she’s staying on her feet, arms spread wide, panicked gaze fixed on Ryona’s gun.

“I can’t- I can’t- He’s the only one left- He’s all I have left. I can’t…”

Boba keeps babbling as Ryona flicks the safety on, slinging the strap of her gun over her shoulder before lifting her empty hands, palms up.

“I won’t hurt him, Boba, I promise.”

The medic’s expression is twisted with regret, but Damon can’t help her right now, because even though she’s gone quiet, Boba looks like she’s been split open right down the middle. 

“Boba.”

Damon calls her name, cautiously reaching to grasp her arm, but she doesn’t even glance at him. 

Slowly, watching Ryona like she might change her mind at any moment, Boba turns back to look at Vexx. 

Her gaze roves over him, looking for injury even though no one and nothing had touched him. For a moment, Damon thinks she’s going to try and strangle Vexx herself, but instead Boba’s hands reach for his face, pulling till he’s forced to look at her.

“You're my ghost.” Boba's voice hitches with a sob, her thumbs pressing harshly against his cheeks. “I am _never_ letting you go, Vexx Serif. I will never let you go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll see how jossed this gets when the next chapter comes out. XD We still don't really know much about Vexx's motivations and what was/is him and what's his brain being messed with, but I feel like the other chapter ended too ambiguously and needed some closure. So here we go. :)

“You know I love you, don’t you, Vexx?”

Vexx’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Boba was one for honesty, but she tended to get flustered over it all the same, yet here she was looking comfortable as could be, her chin propped up against his chest as they swayed back and forth on the dance floor, tired, but not ready to return to the stifling atmosphere of the castle.

“Where do you get off, just saying something like that so casual?” he chuckled.

She managed to keep her chin pressed against his chest as she shook her head in a silly wobble.

“I don’t mean it casually,” she insisted, a frown tugging her bottom lip. “Maybe you didn’t pick me up and race me to safety, but to me, you saved my life when you became my friend. I was just… existing, trapped in a life that made me miserable. When you held out your hand and offered me your friendship, it felt like you were offering me the entire world, and when I took it, I felt like I’d found something I’d been searching for my whole life.”

She wrapped her arms around him fully, resting her cheek against his chest, “I still feel that way, and I always will.”

Vexx swallowed the lump in his throat, a sick, spike of guilt, making his chest twinge. He still managed another chuckle.

“You’re such a dork.”

He tightened his arms around her, and she squeezed him back, the two of them barely moving as the music changed to something louder and wilder and the crowd heaved around them. 

***

That night on the dance floor changed Vexx’s life. You would think that having a princess with a heart of gold, looking at him like he’d hung both the moons in the sky, would change him for the better, but it didn’t. Sure, it was the most important moment of his life. The best, most wonderful thing, to ever happen to him.

But it hadn’t been enough. 

Vexx knew if he were a better man, it would have been enough, it was already so much more than he deserved, and yet… And yet. He’d wanted more.

And when Boba pulled away from his new gentleness, nose wrinkling as she laughed, asking why he was being so _weird_ , he realized- he’d always wanted more.

So he tried to keep his cool, tried to keep her close, but not close enough to see the edges of his mask, because as long as she cared about him, there was still a chance she’d fall in love with him. A chance he could pull her down into this abyss of desire and longing, and love, that was so dark and so _bitter_ , when faced alone. 

But this, Vexx decides, as he stares at Boba’s unconscious form, slung over Damon’s shoulder, this kind of love Boba has for him is just as abyssal and a thousand times more bitter than his. This helpless, hero love, that twisted her up inside till he didn’t recognize her as she stood across from him, staring with all the intensity a starving creature. 

‘I am _never_ letting you go, Vexx Serif. I will never let you go.’

The Boba he knew was too soft-hearted for words like that, but this Boba is a stranger with her glow eclipsed by grief and a heart like a prison, and this Boba said them like she was laying down a curse on him before her eyes rolled up in the back of her head, and she dropped like a puppet with its strings cut.

Vexx’s hands had moved to catch her before his brain could think better of it, but Damon had swooped in, snatching her up before Vexx even laid a finger on her.

  
Currently, Vexx has one wrist tied to his own belt, and the other cuffed to Damon’s free hand, with the blue Tilaarin following behind, her rifle trained on him, as they rush through the streets. 

He _feels_ cursed, dread unfurling in his chest as he gets closer and closer to being stuck on a ship with the ruins he’d made of Boba’s heart, haunted by the distorted remnant of her love. But it isn’t a fair curse. If it were, it’d be just him that would suffer, him stabbed in the back and left for dead. If only his suffering would heal her, he would set himself on fire, make himself the spark that would bring her back to life. 

That’s how magic operates in the stories. Simple terms that once fulfilled, work in a snap of the fingers. But, reality doesn’t work that way, and he’s not that lucky, even if it did. 

Eventually, they arrive at their destination, a warehouse where the wanna be queen is hiding out, and Vexx watches from the corner of his eye as the crew worries over Boba. Damon hands her over to a guy with a fancy arm, the blue Tilaarin leading the way to the ship and likely the medbay where all the medicine in the galaxy won’t heal her.

  
“I know who you are, Vexx Serif,” the wanna be queen snarls.

But she doesn’t. Vexx lives in this body and mind, and he doesn’t even know himself anymore, so this Alisa certainly doesn’t. Damon doesn’t. Not even Boba does. No one knows Vexx Serif, including Vexx Serif, but the thought doesn’t scare him like it used to when Boba was dead. 

Back when the person he loved most in the galaxy was gone, he’d try to remember what had happened and he’d shake and shake, gasping for breath that couldn’t seem to fill his lungs as he tried to figure out where he’d been, what he’d been doing, that was so important that he left her alone and unguarded when she needed him most.

Back when Princess Zenobia was dead along with all the other Peg’asi, Vexx had been terrified every second he’d been alone, wondering when he’d become the sort of man who would let what he loved die, to kill what he hated- how it had happened without him realizing. 

But then she’d come back from the dead, and suddenly Vexx had another chance to save her, grabbing hold with both hands and not even flinching as he tore out the threads that still connected them and threw them in her face, desperately hoping it was enough to send her running, desperately hoping it was possible for her to run far enough to escape Zovack’s reach.

In the end, it didn’t matter. Boba, who ran at the first whiff of confrontation, who clung to her rose-colored glasses with all her might, died along with the rest of the Peg’asi, just like the Vexx Serif he recognized had died, and now they are just two broken satellites flung out into space in the aftermath- memories, warped and fragmented by pain, the only thing left that keeps them orbiting each other.

Vexx is dragged onto the Andromeda Six where the guy with the fancy arm reappears to, ‘secure the prisoner,’ while Damon heads deeper into the ship.

“Don’t go getting too comfortable,” he calls over his shoulder, with his sharp toothed grin. “I’ll be back soon enough and we can catch up. Have a nice, friendly, chat.”

“Don’t forget the tea and crumpets,” Vexx snipes back.

At least he remembers how to banter with stab-happy- it’s the only damn thing that feels familiar to him besides his gun, which he certainly doesn’t have right now as he’s shackled to the wall in a storage closet. Not that knowing Damon will keep him from the sharp end of one of his daggers. 

One way or another, Vexx will soon be facing his just desserts, and if he gets to choose between facing Damon’s merciless blade, or Boba’s crushed heart, he’ll take the blade. He will take the easy way out, and let whomever Vexx Serif was fade from memory, let Boba and the galaxy go on without him lurking in their shadows. 

One way or another, it will all be over soon.

***

Boba wakes with a scream caught in her throat, body stiff as a board as her gaze darts around the room, searching for recognition. It’s her nose that recognizes the medbay first, the scent of the Tilaari homeworld she’s never been too, wrenching her memories back from the fog of sleep. 

There’s movement in her peripheral vision, and Boba lifts her head to see Calderon leaning toward her, sitting in a chair beside the cot she’s tucked into.

“You’re awake. How are you feeling?” he asks her, brow furrowed with concern.

Boba shrugs as she struggles with the tucked tight blanket so she can sit up, wishing she had an answer for him, wishing the world felt a little more real.

“I don’t know,” she says, “numb, maybe.”

Calderon winces, nodding, like he knows the feeling, and Boba remembers their talk after she’d revealed her past. 

Her and the captain are so different, she often forgets that they share more than one past experience. The feeling of not belonging in a place that should have been home, disappointed parents, betrayal, and devastating loss. She might not know details, but she knows he carries wounds that match hers, even if they seem to have nothing else in common. 

“That’s understandable, you went through an extremely stressful ordeal.” He gives her an assessing look. “Do you… remember what happened? You passed out. Ryona was worried you would forget things again, and didn’t want you to wake up alone, just in case.”

Her mouth goes dry as she tries to piece together the sequence of events that led her here to make sure she didn’t lose any more pieces of herself. She gave her music box to Damon, volunteered to carry a message, stood her ground and helped make peace and then moments later was forced to run from violence, got lost… Vexx.

“Yes, he’s on board. And secured. You won’t have to see him at all, if you don’t want to.”

Boba blinks in surprise, realizing she’d whispered Vexx’s name out loud.

She swallows thickly, feeling like she should be having strong feelings about this turn of events, but there’s nothing but a dull sort of ache. Like an unhealed wound buried deep, but not forgotten.

“I said terrible things to him.”

It seems like it’s Calderon’s turn to be surprised, his eyebrows rising to his hairline.

“That’s not what I heard.”

“What did you hear?”

He shifts in his chair, obviously uncomfortable with this line of conversation, but he chooses to answer anyway, much to Boba's relief.

“Ryona said you went into shock. Acute stress reaction, she called it. She felt terrible that she didn’t realize it till you passed out.”

Boba shook her head, “Everyone was stressed, it wasn’t her fault.”

“I think we’re all still adjusting to each other. We don’t know your limits very well yet, not like we know each others.”

She nods in response, and they lapse into a silence that is more comfortable than she would have expected, considering how intimidating she still finds the man. 

But right now the world feels far away, reality as thin and fragile as if it’s been remade in spiderwebs. None of it matters to Boba, cocooned in a nest of sheets and blankets, with a stern, giant, guardian at her side, her friends safe within the same walls as her. She aches, but there is comfort here as well as pain.

Calderon breaks the silence, sounding like he’s trying to be delicate, which alarms Boba far more then the blunt question he asks. 

“I’m only asking because I need to know for future reference. You still care about him? …Vexx?”

Boba swallows thickly, a small wave of nausea surging in her stomach. She doesn’t know. Her heart feels as empty as her mind had been when she’d first woken on this ship. Hollowed out, full of nothing but shadows she can’t put names to. 

“I think so,” she finally murmurs, watching absently as her fingers grasp around the stark, white, sheets, pressing in wrinkles with her body heat and the sweat on her palms. “It’s hard to tell right now, but when I saw him again… I had to keep him from killing you all, but I…”

It’s difficult to fathom her thought process, now that she isn’t in the throes of terror. She remembers staring at Vexx like she could rip the truth of who he is from behind his eyes, but all that had been going through her mind was just an overwhelming need to make sure she kept him in sight. She doesn’t remember why exactly. So she could be sure he wouldn’t harm her friends? So she could punish him? So she could get answers?

“I wish I hadn’t said what I did, so I guess that means I still care about him.” She shifts to wrap her arms around her knees, using them as pillow for her head. “It was cruel. Calling him a ghost like-” her voice trembles but she makes herself go on. “Like he had died, instead of the option I didn’t want face. That he made a choice.”

Boba winces, squeezing her legs closer to her chest as if that will help ease the sudden, piercing, pain reverberating through it. It hurts so much. It hurts so much that she would rather he had died, than betray her. It feels wrong, like her love has been twisted into something vile in her grief, and she doesn’t know what to do with it. The dead are just dead, while the living can always, always change, but that doesn’t comfort her. Not when there are so many already dead. So many that Vexx denied that same sacred freedom. 

Calderon sighs, shaking his head, “If you’re thinking this is some insight into who you are, it isn’t. I’m… not the best person to discuss this,” he goes on, “but I do know there’s pressure, and then there’s trauma. Pressure can force us to reveal truths about ourselves, but trauma just acts itself out, reproduces itself. It can’t teach us anything because it hijacks the brain, reducing us to the animal state of freeze, flight, or fight. It’s the worst kind of virus, and that’s all it is. Not a part of you, not a mirror showing you hidden truths, just… pain, spreading itself out.”

“How do we stop it?” she asks.

She doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t want to force others to share her pain, there’s already so much it feels like the entire galaxy is straining beneath the weight of it all.

Calderon glances at her, a sardonic half-smile on his lips, “I sure as hell don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d say, focus on healing, and everything else will fall into place.”

Boba watches Calderon’s face for a moment. His blue eyes are so different than Damon’s. They look like they were plucked from a man twice his age, while Damon’s are bright as a child’s despite both his deadly glares and occupation. Both of them are far more complicated then she’d realized, and she’s beyond grateful that she’s been allowed to know more of these two, guarded, men. 

She reaches for Calderon’s hand, and he lets her hold it with only a slightly raised brow.

“Thank you, Calderon.”

He huffs a sigh, but can’t seem to hold back the fond smile twisting his lips as he squeezes back.

“A pep talk is nothing special. You’re crew. We’re here for you.”

“It’s special to me.”

She squeezes Calderon’s hand again, then lets go, sleep heavy on her eyelids.

“Rest some more. Someone will be here when you wake up.”

“’Kay,” is all she can manage before the pull of sleep becomes irresistible.


End file.
